


They're Idiots, But They're My Idiots, So It's Okay

by TheAsexualofSpades



Series: Quarantine Drabbles [12]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Admirals are shady, Bones and Scotty share a liquor cabinet, Bones puts up with so much shit, Boys In Love, Dorks in Love, Idiots in Love, M/M, Uhura is a queen, i mean bathroom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:26:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23495275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAsexualofSpades/pseuds/TheAsexualofSpades
Summary: The entire Bridge Crew of the USS Enterprise is sick of watching their captain and first officer dance around each other.The captain and first officer don't like keeping secrets from their crew.
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Leonard "Bones" McCoy, James T. Kirk & Leonard "Bones" McCoy & Spock & Hikaru Sulu & Nyota Uhura, James T. Kirk/Spock, Leonard "Bones" McCoy & Montgomery "Scotty" Scott, Pavel Chekov/Hikaru Sulu
Series: Quarantine Drabbles [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1677655
Comments: 8
Kudos: 200





	They're Idiots, But They're My Idiots, So It's Okay

**Author's Note:**

> This one's short and sweet because we know they're in love so we can get on with it. A moment of silence for Bones' sanity, if you please.

Fandom: Star Trek

Prompt: “You look beautiful/handsome in the moonlight.”

* * *

The first rule you learn onboard a starship is do not piss off the CMO.

The second rule you learn onboard a starship is _do not piss off the CMO._

And yet Leonard is stuck in the middle of single most annoying command team currently in Starfleet god dammit because neither of them seems to have any brain cells. Just an incredible penchant for the SDL Protocol.

“And what is the ‘SDL Protocol,’” Scotty asks one morning in their shared bathroom that definitely isn’t on its way to becoming a liquor storeroom.

“Sheer Dumb Luck,” Leonard mutters, patting his face dry, “Sheer. Dumb. Luck.”

“Considering the amount of times our lassie should've ended up a heap o’ scrap,” the engineer says, “I’m inclined to agree with you.”

“I’ve half a mind to leave ‘em to it.”

Scotty laughs. “You’re a liar and you know it.”

“I do know it,” Leonard sighs, leaning against the counter. “I’d follow the pair of ‘em to hell and back, I just wish to god they’d _stop going._ ”

“An’ how likely is that?”

Leonard gestures to the ever-growing pile of vintage bourbon, scotch, and whiskey that’s definitely been obtained through diplomatic means and not brewed in the labs with Chekov.

“Fair enough.”

Even though he’ll vehemently deny it unless someone very important to him is on their deathbed, and even then probably not because _he will find a way,_ for all his griping about Jim and Spock, he does care a hell of a lot about them. Even if Jim’s a corn-fed idiot and Spock’s out of his Vulcan mind most of the time. They may be idiots, but they’re his idiots. So he puts up with the crazy space shenanigans and the stress from trying to watch them kamikaze their way out of crazy situations.

Now watching them bumble their way through wanting to be _each other’s_ idiots is another matter entirely.

The Bridge Crew isn’t blind, despite whatever Kirk and Spock may believe. He’s lost count of how many exasperated looks he’s shared with Uhura on the Bridge when these two idiots never seem to realize how much the other’s pining after them. Uhura, as the genius she is, made a group chat with everyone on the Bridge _except_ Jim and Spock with the sole purpose of expressing their exasperation. He has to stifle his chuckles at Sulu and Chekov’s impressions of them. Now there are two crew members who understand how to talk about things if you catch his drift.

The instant the command team leaves the Bridge the entire crew smacks their forehead and groans.

“I. Am. Exhausted,” Uhura mutters.

“You and me both.” Leonard shakes his head. “How can they both be so smart and so dumb?”

“You think they’re smart?”

“From a purely academic standpoint.”

“Ther are idiots,” Chekov mumbles from the conn, “if they think we cannot see them.”

“I can only see so many aborted Vulcan kisses in the reflection of the view screen,” Sulu agrees, “before I lose my shit.”

“Do they think we’re blind?”

“I think they are,” Uhura says, shaking her head at Leonard, “plus I’m not entirely sure they know what they’re doing.”

“I mean that’s a given.”

“What’s a given?”

The crew snaps back to their stations, Uhura spinning some wonderful bullshit about diplomatic connections as Jim waltzes back to the captain’s chair, Spock behind him. They switch back to the chat, each hiding their laughter when Sulu delivers some excellently crafted puns about their obliviousness.

At this rate, the not-liquor-cabinet-that-is-definitely-still-his-and-Scotty’s-bathroom is gonna run dry in the next month.

As it turns out, it doesn’t have to. A few days after that incident, there’s a classified call with an Admiral that has Jim order everyone except for him and Spock off the Bridge. The crew compiles reluctantly, not content to leave their Captain and First Officer alone even though they know they can handle themselves. They’re on their way to the observation deck and settled in before Chekhov realizes he’s left his PADD at his station. Which means they can listen to whatever’s going on.

“I understand, Admiral,” Jim says, “but I’m afraid I don’t see why the crew has to—“

“You don’t have to ‘see,’ Captain Kirk,” the Admiral’s voice cuts off, “what matters is that you have your orders. I expect you to follow them.”

“There is no reason for the crew to be kept ignorant of a mission’s purpose if their cooperation is essential to the mission’s success,” Spock argues, “particularly if it concerns their work.”

“Starfleet Command is aware that your Mr. Chekhov and Mr. Scott have been integral in developing the technology to detect these types of ships, however they do not have the clearance to be privy to this information.” The Admiral pauses. “You have your mission, Captain. Complete it to the best of your ability. Starfleet Command out.”

The view screen flickers off and Jim sighs, leaning forward in his chair. He glances up at Spock who’s doing a much better job at masking his annoyance than him.

“Well, at least the destination isn’t too bad.”

“I do not like leaving our crew unawares.” Spock shakes his head minutely, hard mouth betraying his irritation. “Especially those who have been vital to the information we have.”

“And it’s not like Chekov and Scotty can’t keep secrets.”

“Speaking of which…” Spock looks at him with the Vulcan equivalent of puppy-dog eyes.

Jim sighs, heavier this time, reaching to tangle his fingers with Spock’s. “We’ve talked about this, babe. It’s one thing for us to be keeping something from Starfleet, but you know I can’t drag the crew into it too.”

“You know perfectly well the crew would be fine with you ‘dragging them into it,’ as you say.”

“I know.”

“And, as you have already expressed, they can keep secrets.”

“I know.” Jim tilts his head back against the captain’s chair, watching the tilt of Spock’s head and feeling the warmth of his hand. “I heard that the nights on Tau Ceti E are wonderful.”

“With the proximity of the surrounding planets, the night sky is…littered with moons.”

“You look beautiful in the moonlight,” Jim murmurs, smiling at the subtle green flush that spreads across his beloved’s cheeks.

“I have not had the pleasure of seeing you in the moonlight, _th’y’la,_ ” Spock says in return, “I look forward to it.”

Someone coughs.

Jim looks around in confusion, eyes finally landing on a PADD lying at Chekov’s station. He stands up, retrieving it, holding it up to Spock.

“Seems we have no choice now.”

“In all fairness,” Uhura’s voice comes through the PADD, “we all figured it out already.”

“You guys aren’t subtle,” Sulu chimes in, “at least now we know you’re not blind too.”

“And for the record,” comes Bones’ southern drawl, “we ain’t either.”

Jim laughs, relieved that this is one less secret he has to keep from his family. Well, two, probably.

“So Chekhov, Scotty, how much of that discussion did you two hear?”

“Enough to know you can probably tell us the rest of it,” Scotty says, “an’ we’re all on our way back. You two better have yourselves together.”

“We are professional, Mr. Scott,” Spock says, waving Jim away from the PADD while he snickers.

“Yeah sure.”

“As long as we get to spend enough time teasing both of ‘em for bein’ such idiots,” Bones’ voice says, “and both of you _sign the goddamn paperwork—“_

“Yeah, yeah.” Jim smiles at Spock and calls into the PADD: “get your butts back here, we got work to do.”

“Aye, Captain.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Come yell at me on tumblr while we're all in quarantine. 
> 
> https://a-small-batch-of-dragons.tumblr.com/


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